THE ORIGIN OF GRUMPY BOB'S ALMANAC
It was in the early days of our nation that a potato farmer from Pennsylvania met Benjamin Franklin, and immediately considered the printer and amateur scientist to be completely full of crap. However it must be said that the potato farmer considered everyone to be completely full of crap. When Franklin began to publish Poor Richard's Almanac, the potato farmer was incensed at what he called, " The dissemination and propagation of fruity blathering." He then stole a printing press and blackmailed ten widows to assist him in the publishing of his own Almanac, the descendant of which you are viewing at this very moment. The potato farmers' name was, and is, Grumpy Bob. In a strange twist of fate, Grumpy Bob was diagnosed in 1902 as to having Horniculous Caninica Mortis, or 'Too Mean To Die'. Grumpy Bob's Almanac is this cursed man's gift to the world. He hopes you choke on it.
The French Horoscope!
This separation of astrological houses by hair color was developed by Neils Argunat de'Spank for Francis II of France. Grumpy Bob has found it much more accurate for Americans than the traditional Horoscopes. Grumpy Bob reminds his faithful readers-"Never pay more for a haircut than a good steak."
FOR THE MONTH OF JANUARY
Blondes-Relax more and cream rinse often. The relationship you are currently in will change in a semi dramatic way, so no big haircuts!
Dye job Blondes-Time to try to quit smoking again! Wait until next month to get the roots done. Avoid fudge.
Brunettes-Body is the word for you, Brunette! The thicker your hair in November the happier you will be. Your mate is not lying about the thing you think they are lying about.
Dye Job Brunettes-Get roots done immediately! Also go up one shade if in the last month you lost a job or a relationship. Watch out for potholes.
Red heads/Auburn/Strawberry Blonde-Whatever you're doing, stop it! Time for a hot oil treatment, or a dramatic cut if you have the courage. Remember that sex is never the answer.
Dye Job Red Heads-Remember that sex is always the answer.
Blue/Pink/ Other-Do what thou wilt.
Grumpy Bob's Guide to Houseplants
Grumpy Bob feels houseplants defy the purpose of having a house. A home is where all living things that did not pay for the house, aren't. If you wish to live amongst the green, then move to the Amazon. However, Grumpy Bob realizes that often one acquires houseplants against one's will. They are considered to be appropriate gifts for occasions that aren't supposed to require gifts.
One might think that Grumpy Bob might recommend letting this living intrusion upon your life die a natural death. But one would be wrong. Grumpy Bob never 'lets' anything happen. He makes things happen. Letting something die a natural death is redundant, sissy, and a waste of an opportunity. Nothing should be allowed to die when it can be killed. Below are some helpful suggestions in the disposing of houseplants.
1. Cook them- Make a salad of the plant and serve it to the person who gave you the damn thing.
2. Re-pot the plant upside down and claim you thought the dirt was the gift.
3. Suicide bombing-Strap a stick of Dynamite to the offending fern and launch it at something you hate. When the police question you, claim the plant did it.
4. Russian roulette-Place six spray bottles on a lazy susan. Fill five of them with water, and one with concentrated plant poison. Spin and spray!
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